The Kitchen Juxtaposition
by MayFairy
Summary: "So, you realise that you just made friends with one of the most evil people in the universe." "...is better than being on her bad side." The queen of evil and a Polish teenager end up half-dressed in the same kitchen. Their respective lovers, when they finally wake up, are horrified to realise the two complete opposites...like each other? [Missy/Quill & Charlie/Matteusz]


**Part three of _The Only Friend I Have_ , so reading _Turn Your Shattered Dreams Into Rhapsodies_ and _Help Me Breathe Again_ first is recommended, but definitely not required cos all you really need to know is that Quissy is a thing. **

**Matteusz moving in with them has opened up so many possibilities and this visual was just too good to pass up.**

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The morning after he moves in with Charlie and Miss Quill, Matteusz heads downstairs to the kitchen to fix some coffee. Charlie, for once, isn't awake at dawn because it's a Saturday and a lot of banging noises coming from Miss Quill's room in the wee hours of the morning made it impossible for them to sleep for a long while. Watching Charlie sleep is only interesting for the first ten minutes, so coffee is the next logical step.

There's only one problem. When he gets to the kitchen, he is bewildered to see a brunette wearing a dress shirt that looks suspiciously like Miss Quill's. She's singing to herself cheerfully, a wordless melody befitting of an early Disney princess.

"Are you going to stand there gawping all day? I'm assuming you came down here for a reason," she says a few moments later. It makes him jump because she isn't facing him and he has no idea how she has sensed him so easily.

"Sorry," Matteusz mumbles, and she turns around, a coffee mug in her hands. Her blue eyes regard him with faint interest as one of her eyebrows arches.

He is all too suddenly aware of the fact that he's only in his boxers. Then again, her legs are on full display and she doesn't seem too concerned. He's just about decided he's more or less comfortable with their matching states of undress when his gaze falls on her neck.

The woman's pale neck is covered in love bites and what look to be a lot of actual teeth marks. In a few places, the skin is broken.

It's difficult not to stare.

"So, you're the not-prince one," the stranger says, arching an eyebrow at him, "The boyfriend. She said you were living here now."

It's still new to hear that word applied to him, but it never fails to make his chest feel all warm. Charlie is the kind of person that Matteusz is still half convinced he's dreamed up.

Once he's pushed the fuzzy feelings aside, the pieces click into place - especially the noises from the night before - and he realises who he is talking to.

"You're the one that came into physics last week," he says, because it's the only explanation. He had been off sick on that particular day, but Charlie hadn't hesitated in expressing his disgust for the fact that his teacher and protector had a gentlewoman caller who was apparently an evil alien.

It's hard to think of anyone as particularly evil when they're sipping coffee in just a shirt and making contented hums that remind him of a kitten, but that could just be Matteusz' tendency to try and believe the best in people.

"That would be me, yes," she says. He tries to remember what Charlie said her name is, but is coming up blank.

"Well, I'm Matteusz," he says, a little awkwardly but with his usual cheerfulness.

She regards him and the hand he's extended with amusement. Then, just as he's considering bringing it back to his side because holding it out is getting embarrassing, she shakes it delicately.

"Missy." She adds a little mock curtsy. "Queen of Evil."

"So I hear," he says mildly. It's hard to know what else to say to something like that. He tries and fails not to look at her neck again, and as the implications properly set in he can't stop the flush that warms his cheeks. "So, er, you and Miss Quill."

"Is that a question, or a statement?" She asks, lips quirking as she takes another sip of her coffee. He shrugs. "Well, I suppose it doesn't change the answer. Yes, we're old buddies. Birds of a feather, peas in a pod, clones in a batch, all that jazz."

Matteusz is pretty sure that last one isn't an Earth idiom, but gets her point. "Makes sense, I suppose. I think is good. That she has someone to talk to."

"How she hadn't gone out of her mind with only you lot for company, I honestly don't know," Missy agrees, making a face. "So, Matteusz, I don't suppose you do anything interesting with yourself?"

He takes a moment to be impressed by her flawless pronunciation of his name before replying, "Uh, I'm not sure. I just go to school. You know."

"So no recreational murder, then."

It's a true testimony to the madness his life has become that the question barely makes him blink. "Er, no."

She sighs with obvious disappointment. "No, you don't look nearly devious enough to get away with it without getting into trouble, I suppose. Oh well."

"Do you have any hobbies that are...less violent?"

"Oh, plenty. Flirting with terrorists, blowing things up to get my best friend's attention, knitting-"

"Knitting?"

She nods, apparently pleased by his interest. "Just the other day I made the most adorable beanie for old Thete, TARDIS blue and everything, and the old sod refused to wear it."

Only about half the sentence makes sense to him, but again, he gets the point. The word TARDIS sounds vaguely familiar, from something Charlie has told him perhaps, but he can't pinpoint it.

"I'm sorry, that is very unkind of him," Matteusz tells her.

"I know," she says, shaking her head and tutting, "He never likes any of my presents. Do you have any idea how much work goes into a self-recruiting Cyberarmy? He blew it up."

"That must have been very frustrating for you," he says, hoping he sounds sympathetic because he is, even if the Cyberarmy part doesn't sound like a good thing and what this friend of hers did was probably a good idea.

"Centuries, I've had to put up with this." Missy fixes him with a look. "You know it's bad when Andy is better at accepting my presents than he is."

She called her Andy!

Charlie's voice in his memory helps answer the question of who she's talking about, and Matteusz has to wonder if Missy has given Miss Quill any knitted garments. It's too difficult to imagine the teacher doing anything but burning them.

"What size needles do you prefer?" He asks her. "I'm knitter myself, or at least trying, but cannot decide on needle size."

Her eyes light up and that's all they need to launch into a full conversation about knitting while Matteusz finally gets past her to make his own coffee. Once he's done, Missy starts making another one, as black as the first and without a grain of sugar in sight.

"Look who finally decided to grace us with their presence," Missy remarks out of nowhere a few minutes later, so quickly that he's still busy laughing at the last thing she had said.

Sure enough, he looks up to see Charlie and Miss Quill standing near the door and wearing identical expressions of bemusement. The former is in flannel pyjamas and the latter in a short silk robe.

"You're still here," Miss Quill says to Missy, with obvious surprise. Her expression is otherwise unfathomable - it's impossible to tell whether the surprise is a pleasant one or if she had been hoping Missy would be gone.

"Could you not let your evil girlfriend loose around my boyfriend?" Charlie asks Quill, who rolls her eyes and doesn't even bother validating it with a reply. Missy, meanwhile, gives Matteusz a oops we're in trouble look. He can't stop the chuckle that escapes him.

"You know that she's evil," Charlie tells Matteusz as he approaches him and gives him a peck on the lips. His tone is mix of disapproval and concern.

Matteusz can only shrug. "We've been talking about knitting."

"Dear god," Miss Quill mutters. Missy passes the second black coffee to her and she drinks deeply. "Mm, that's better. Marginally."

"Way to make a girl feel special," Missy says melodramatically, "Some morning greeting that is."

Quill kisses her, much less chastely than Charlie had Matteusz. Missy reciprocates with just as much enthusiasm until Charlie demands that they stop and Quill breaks the kiss as quickly as she started it. She glares at Charlie who pays her no mind because he's looking at her neck.

It's covered in just as many marks as Missy's.

Charlie's expression is one of near physical pain. Matteusz has no idea how he feels about it anymore. He's never been one for judging what other people get up to.

Missy preens under their attention, smirking. "What can I say?" She smiles at Charlie, so obviously proud of herself. "We're both biters."

"Out," Charlie tells them, gratefully accepting his boyfriend's coffee when it becomes obvious who needs it the most. "Thank you."

Miss Quill and Missy take their coffees and leave, the latter with a waggle of her fingers and a wink in Matteusz' direction as she goes. Her other wrist is in the firm grasp of Quill who is half dragging her from the room.

It's a few moments before Charlie speaks.

"So, you realise you that just made friends with one of the most evil people in the universe," he says, frowning at his boyfriend with confusion.

Matteusz shrugs. "Is better than being on her bad side."

It's hard to argue with that.

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 **Thanks for reading, let me know what you thought!**


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